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On August 23, 2019, David Koch died. He was 79 years old and an absolute monster. He was such a monster that, the day after his death, at a Bernie Sanders campaign rally, Bernie had to scold his audience for celebrating Koch’s passing. If you’ve funded as much death and destruction as David Koch did, and you made it to nearly 80 before people celebrated your demise, I’d say you got off pretty easy.
I’m not really one to celebrate anyone’s death, but I will always celebrate one less libertarian! Hey hey!
True story: When I first started writing about politics, I kept forgetting the word “libertarian.” It was a real problem for me. I don’t know why, but the word just wouldn’t stay in my head. So I’d turn to whichever black person happened to be nearby and ask, “Hey, what are those really racist Republicans called?” The answer, “libertarians,” was given with the same cadence, tone and eye roll every single time.
Famous father-and-son libertarian team Ron and Rand Paul caught a lot of shit a few years back when they admitted to being opposed to the Civil Rights Act of 1964. When asked why, they both mumbled and stammered and blurted out something about property rights or some other common, racist refrain from the era.
But it’s not just racism that bothers me about libertarians. It’s also that libertarianism is so very, very stupid. It’s like fantasy football if you replaced football with a long, slow suicide pact.
Minimize government? Cut and eliminate taxes at every opportunity? Cool, but now no one is inspecting food and you’re dead. Maybe not, though. Maybe you’re just sick enough to have to go to the hospital. Too bad the roads haven’t been maintained for years and now there’s no way for a vehicle to get from your home to the hospital, so you’re dead. But maybe, with every last ounce of strength you have, you manage to stumble and crawl your way to the emergency room. Too bad you’re last in a long line and the hospital has run out of medical supplies and medicine and electricity, so you’re dead. Maybe not, though. Maybe you can manage to stick it out and recover at home. Too bad a couple thieves want to take advantage of your bedridden condition and decide to break into your house and steal all your valuables. And too bad there are no cops to call. If only you had enough money to hire people to track your stuff down for you. Too bad you don’t, because with a minimized government not circulating enough tax dollars, money is worthless and you can’t even buy food, so you’re dead. Maybe not, though. Maybe you survive your illness and thieves don’t carry off your possessions and somehow, through your superior wit or charm or political philosophy, you manage to acquire land and a water supply and learn farming and carpentry and electrical engineering and auto mechanics and medicine, and you develop the mentality and physicality necessary to maintain your property without ever falling asleep, as these items and skills would be just the first of a very long list of necessities required in order to defend your personal libertarian kingdom 24/7/365 — and not just against other people, but fortified against every potential infestation or predator or contamination or plague or slightly harsher-than-average growing season, plus every single storm (not even getting into climate change). But let’s say you survive all of that. At that point, please come and find me and I will gladly admit that you have won the argument.
Anyway, in Maine Libertarian News, back in December they lost their official party status because there weren’t enough libertarian voters. Ouch. Then in February, libertarian candidate Christopher Hallowell, of Bath, couldn’t collect enough signatures to get on the April 2 ballot and had to drop out of the race.
In July, Hallowell was back in the news, this time for getting arrested after crashing his vehicle following a long police chase after he shot a woman in the hip. The woman survived and Hallowell faces nine charges, including attempted murder. Jury selection begins November 12.
Thanks for reading Libertarian News, and remember, don’t be a libertarian!
Samuel James is an internationally renowned bluesman and storyteller, as well as a locally known filmmaker. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.