Dear Susan Collins,
My name is Samuel James and I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to you with an offer, but before I get into that, let me just say that I get it. Your job is hard. It can be difficult to be in all those meetings, travel all over the place and talk to reporters. I’ve noticed you’ve had an especially difficult time with that last part recently. Just the other day, when asked to comment on the president’s looming impeachment, your response was, “I will not be commenting on the House proceedings,” and that it wouldn’t be “appropriate for a Senator to comment on the merits of the House inquiry or prejudge its outcome.”
We both know that wasn’t exactly the best response, which is why I come to you with my offer: Let me be your speechwriter. I’m experienced and honest, I’ve never missed a deadline, and I’m from Maine. I understand those traits alone are not enough for you to hire me, so what follows is a sample draft of a speech I have written for you:
Hello, fellow Mainers.
As a senator, I’ve made your voices heard for more than twenty years. I’ve fought for you in Washington and stood up to the special interests that try to fill their pockets with your hard-earned tax dollars.
As a Mainer, I know that Maine is a special place. Our majestic mountains and flowing rivers are rivaled in beauty only by you, the people of Maine.
I have been proud to call Maine my home for my entire life. I come from a long line of Maine public servants, so it was an obvious path for me to take. That is why, with a heavy heart, I’ve decided the path has ended. Effective immediately, not only am I suspending my bid for reelection, I am stepping down from the Senate.
It has been the pleasure of a lifetime to serve as your senator, but if I’m being honest, times have changed. It used to be that all I had to do was stand in front of a camera, say I was disappointed, and people just assumed I supported them. But nowadays the strange confluence between Donald Trump and the Internet means people actually look at my voting record.
It’s kinda funny. I usually do this thing where I cast a more liberal vote when it doesn’t count, but swing hard right every time it actually counts. People really caught onto that with the whole Kavanaugh thing.
Speaking of which, that’s really what brought me to my decision to step down. I realize I’ve probably put the healthcare of an entire nation full of women in the hands of a probable rapist, but I don’t actually care. That’s the thing. I’ve spent a long time doing the wrong thing for everyone but me. You probably won’t remember this, but when I first ran for the Senate back in 1996, I pledged to only serve two terms! The next one would be my fifth, so you know, I’ve been lying the whole time. Crazy, right? I just didn’t give a shit — oops! I cursed! Sorry about that. Actually… that felt pretty good. Huh. Shit. Shit! Haha! Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit. Hahaha! Fuuuuuuck! Hahahahaha! Woooo! Feels good to finally let loose!
Anyway, the point is, I’ve noticed that I don’t have morals. I mean, I really don’t have any morals. Like, there’s this company called CoreCivic. They make those concentration camps for kids on the border. Not only have they donated to my campaigns, but I also owned stock in them! That’s some next-level monstrous kinda shit! What I’m saying is, the abyss has been staring back into me for so long that I’m not sure humanity is still an option for me. I should want to at least be human, right? I guess so.
What’s next for me? Aside from the disgusting wealth a book deal, the lecture circuit, and a second career as a lobbyist will bring me? Maybe some of my pharmaceutical buddies and I can go in on a sports team together. What if I donned a disguise and wandered the country getting into adventures? I could become a balloonist! Whatever it is, it’s none of your business. See you assholes later! Collins. The. Fuck. Out!